I’m a Vagabiker, Get Me Out Of Here!

So there we were, sat in a disused train carriage that had become a house. Tomorrow would be an important day for two reasons: 1) It was Sammy Peeps’ birthday and 2) We had made it to China. We knew reaching China would be a huge milestone for our trip, the tough mountain passes had been a success without much real trouble and we were all looking forward to smashing ourselves through this vast country and get ourselves into the sun of South East Asia! The Chinese border crossing at Irkeshtam is one of the strictest that we have been through although it was still hassle free. We were made to take off all our panniers and dry bags and watched as a guard who looked no older than 15 pondered through our stuff looking surprised at nearly everything he found in our array of kit. We went through the usual friendly formalities of “where are you going” and “where have you been” and of course the obligatory shocked at amused faces that the border guards so often pull at us. But all in all it was a friendly, hassle free experience.

Unfortunately at the Irkeshtam border crossing the guards make everyone who is not in a car or wagon get on a truck to the ‘official’ border crossing some 160km down the road. Apparently the road is too dangerous and looking at it down from the trucker’s cabin it would be a lie to say we were not relieved to be thrown about in the cabin rather than to tackle the pot holed obstacle course on our Thorn Sherpas! Arriving at the ‘official’ border we had to go through the same old routine of taking all our panniers off. Now this is where, what can only be described as the strangest question we have ever been asked came from a young Chinese military officer. He wandered up to Stephen and asked if we have ‘Wampares’ in Britain. Obviously we didn’t have a clue what he meant as he was pointing to his teeth, we were trying to say one pair of teeth? Or one pair of shoes? But no. Low and behold he was actually asking if Vampires are native to Britain. The worst thing was he was genuinely shocked to find we didn’t have them! What documentaries he has been watching we will never know but we can guarantee Sir David Attenborough was not presenting them that’s for sure.
Ullugat gave us our first taste of Chinese food, stir fried noodles. A favourite with more or less everyone and it was to be our staple diet for the next 7 weeks in China. I dare say the chef knew it was our first time in China as we took a lucky dip at the menu which was all in Chinese (obviously) and there was certainly no spice rating like there usually is on an English Chinese menu. Our eyes were streaming at the very smell of the food as we tried to eat our way through the furnace of chilli much to the amusement of the locals.

In the Xing Xiang province there really is nothing, and too be honest when you’re riding your bike through nothing for the best part of 7 hours a day it’s hard to keep your sanity. China is where we have done our most mileage by far, to get out of the “Dry Barren Desert” as the signs said we did 2000 miles in 20 days. This is hands down the worst part of the trip just for sheer boredom. The motorway is lined both sides with 6 foot high barbed wire fences and beyond that there is nothing, as far as you can see absolutely nothing. That combined with regular temperatures of -20 Degrees Celsius and silly headwinds we knew we had to get our heads down and just chase the sun! To make things worse every 100m is marked so you can’t forget how far you have came. We used to play games like counting the bollards in a kilometre to pass the time or play ‘who am I’ but it was obvious everyone was bored of the desert. Xing Xiang is not really like China as you would imagine it, the people don’t see themselves as Chinese but as ‘Uhgurs’ and their culture is more similar to the Kyrgyz and Uzbeks than Chinese.

The end of those 20 days couldn’t of come quick enough, and the giant KFC we got in Lanzhou certainly made up for it. The cashiers face was a picture when 5 family buckets with extra burgers were ordered up and consumed faster than anything Alan Rickman has done on Man Vs Food.
It would be fair to say that after seeing hardly anyone for the best part of nearly three weeks the pretty much westernised city of Lanzhou gave us a chance to enjoy ourselves. The international cinema was a particular hit as we all went to see the new Bond film Skyfall, we were like kids at a birthday party with our big bags of popcorn and litres of fizzy drinks. If you have ever been to China then you will know what the Chinese nightclubs are like… Unbelievable. If you’re a westerner you wont have to buy a drink as everyone wants you to sit on their table and shot lager with them all night as they do. We would just take it in turns to do laps of the various nightclubs drinking with the locals, google translate became an essential download on our smartphones so we weren’t just sat there all night drinking and not saying anything, some of the faces they were pulling however led us to think the translator was not as good as it seemed. The best night we had was in a place called Chengdu just south of Lanzhou, we say just south but it’s a fair way considering how big China is! This particular night was a funny one – Sam, who had no clothes went out in a military issue, olive green base layer, a thermal fleece, Rab tracksuit bottoms and a pair of trainers longer than a Kayak. It’s fair to say he didn’t seem comfortable looking at how everyone was dressed and sat down for most of the night hiding behind a big table. Stephen on the other hand, got overly drunk on free lager, started dancing with a Russian girl, and after a horrendously bad robot impression had a nose bleed all over her white dress whilst playing the Romeo and Juliet kissing scene. It’s the kind of stuff you see on The Inbetweeners but beware it happens to the best of us. She did wait while he attempted to clean himself up but his efforts were in vein.

We were lucky enough to be in China for the famous Chinese New Year celebrations in Tianshui, the sheer amount of fire crackers that get let off is insane. Vans screech to a halt, open the doors and send out reels of fire crackers leaving everyone to dive for cover whilst it speeds off as if it was a getaway car. For the actual night of the New Year we trekked up the side of mountain to a temple where we found a really good view of the city, that combined with a few beers and the obligatory fire crackers getting thrown at each other made for a good night that we will all remember for a while to come. As we say ‘all good things come to an end’ and we knew it was time for the final push towards Kun Ming and the Vietnam border.
The riding towards Kun Ming wasn’t easy going over hills everyday on the minor roads; we were still regularly putting in 100 mile plus days which was tiring us. We had one hope, the G5. The G5 is the main motorway that runs towards Kun Ming, nice smooth dual carriageway with tunnels through every mountain. Every Cyclists dream, however there is a catch. Cyclists are not allowed on this road, as we were not on the G30 but they were a lot more laid back in Xing Xiang central China. All the slip roads are tolled with barriers and even the local police stand around there, it was time to go back to what we were good at, sneaking on over the barbed wire fences. Sneaking in places isn’t new to us; most Saturdays when we were 16/17 there was a mission to sneak into the local night clubs which we usually succeeded in doing so this was nothing new. We patrolled the fence looking for places to sneak on, it became a game with us and the police.We would sneak on ride 10/15 miles and then hear the dreaded sirens behind us. Off the G5 again but not for long, we would find the next place to get on and go again. This cat and mouse game continued for a few days until the game was over. The police had brought with them a tow truck and ordered that we strap our bikes to the back. Expecting the worst the police shook our hands, asked for photos and laughed at our efforts. They even put 4 of us in the back of the patrol car and drove us to the first exit. Have to admire the humour of the Chinese police they really are some of the friendliest we have met.
Arriving in Kun Ming was huge for us, we booked into a local hostel, went up to the terrace and sunbathed, yes sunbathed. We had all forgotten what it was like to be warm but it was a welcome change that we all needed. Obviously their was two victims to the suns rays: Sam and Jamie, both burned to a crisp on the first day so spent the next few days under the canopy with the nicknames ‘Jerry the Berry’ for the colour of their skin. We had arranged to send all of our winter kit home in China so would roll out of Kun Ming on only rear panniers, life was to become sweet!

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Mission Oz.